alone with my thoughts

i had a conversation with a former model yesterday at work.

he confirmed many of my reservations about modeling (the drugs, the sex, the roles, the opportunities and what people do to make it) and particularly the place of black models within the industry.

basically, there is no place for blacks in the industry.

look at the ads you see in magazines? pick one arbitrarily and count the black models.

better yet, go to models.com and count the number of black (male or female) models in the top 50.

models.com isn't the definitive pulse of the modeling industry - but it's interesting to note that it is reportedly owned by two black men and a black women.

i lost 5 pounds in 6 days to get in shape for fashion week - the agent i spoke with told me to call afterwards.

i'm tired of warping my life to fit others needs: just being around the industry and fashion week after parties and seeing what people do behind the scenes was enough.

i'm not placing blame: i chose to play the game. I am happy to be back in good shape because i wasn't happen with how i was looking - but i would have never worked out that much in my life to tone up that quickly in any other condition. which brought me to the realization that i was loosing myself again. i left michigan to find myself and to find out what i was really capable of on my own. Now that i see how i was flirting with the same oppression that drove me away: i am saying "enough."

i am not saying i hate the industry or that i don't ever want to model again - but i am saying i am playing by my own rules from here on out. if an agent or client were to request anything i am even partially hesitant to accomodate - then that is a deal breaker.

i am no where near where i want to be as an artist and it's time i stop dreaming and talking about changing that and DOING IT.

Priorities: my life, my art, my family and friends, and whatever comes of modeling.

it may seem a little drastic since this is coming from one person's opinion and lack of witnessing his experiences - but i will not ignore how they make sense and agree with my experiences so far.

training day (under development)

dreams.fleetwood_mac.rumours

i'll fill this out later.

last night was my 'training" night at my new job The Gramercy Park Hotel.

i am barbacking on track to me a bartender. pay? 4.30 an hour. the thing is, with bottle service and $500 shots of Louis XIII and regulars like Diddy, Russel Simmons, Damon Dash, Sienna Miller, Jimmy Fallon, Guy Pierce and the ilk, I can make more in tips outs in one night than an entire week at the half king.

i'm not leaving the half king, i love it there, but as Eddie (the head of security said when i told him my earnings at the half king and how i started as a busser making sometimes $70 on a good 12hr shift (bussers at GPH aver $300-$400 a night), "do what's best for you!"

"DO what's best for you"

if i only had time to make a list of all the people who have said that EXACT statement to me in the last 12 months.


Jimmy Fallon personally pulled me aside when i left from behind the bar and shuck my hand so say i was working my ass off - i had just scrambled him chilled soco shots because we ran out of jager in betweenn sprints to the dishwasher in the kitchen through the crowd since the washer behind the bar is on the fritz.

how did i get the gig? the modeling agent who has made me her "pet project" (the same agency that got me a free gym membership because i had no money) asked me how my money situation is and i told her i was barely making ends meet - we'll see what comes of this.

nothing to do but work on my art

those are the deals i remember

those are the days i live for.


sometimes i just want to sit and doodle and sketch and color and read and write and nothing else.

i got the final piece needed for the construction of my drafting table today. man it has been so involved building this loft. i still need to order the leds which will set me back a good buck-thirty (=$130 mom) and then the plexiglass and mylar to complete that phase of the light box. i also need a drafting chair, the cheapest i have found was on DickBlick.com which would suit my needs.

i'm taking donations, comment and i'll get in touch with you.

fer serius!

AIM IM with Elle.

keep the light on for me.

one helluva week.

tony's loft is finished, mine almost.

i posted new drawings with more to come.

i had good news ontop of good news in the last couple days and crossing an old bridge has taken me to a level i have been striving for. more on that in about a week.

i'll be spending much of the time til then in the gym - where i haven't been in 7 months.

california dreaming...once more. with feeling.

no_quick_fix.nada_surf.let_go

my college roommate and buddy Rob (wes) can tell you my dreams of moving to california to pursue comic illustration.

the fox television series the oc was my way of living there vicariously.

now more and more i want to get back into art, my one true passion. I have been saying i was goig to apply to art schools here in new york......im making an addendum: california.

i'm in love

you can just hear blackberry and motorola: "fuck, fuck, fuck....."
and cingular continuously cumming in their pants.

i'm calling it now

iphone video ichat by the second gen, third tops.

delusion|determination

over.jimmy_eat_world.stay_on_my_side_tonight

they come and go, but i would be a liar if i pretended i never had my doubts about modeling. when i was younger, and chubby, i used to dread shirts versus skins games in sports. i was the kid who wore a tshirt in the pool. so when i lost weight and had a body i never thought possible - i kinda flaunted it. not in a "i'm better than you" kinda way, but yet, a "i did this and I thought I never could."

after loosing weight i entered a casting call for seventeen magazine just because a few people i knew were doing it, too. So, Jenna Felzcak, William Watkins, someone who I am forgetting, and myself all went to the casting. Will and I were selected, making us 2 of the 30 or so guys selected out of the 500 that dropped by. seventeen also took 30 girls.

during make-up for the shoot i talked with the stylist and she suggested i drop my photos off at some agencies. it being michigan i didnt think there was much of a market let alone did i have the slightest on where to begin.

long story short i sent some photos to a small agency in ferndale. there, i had some photos done and began building a portfolio. to date, most of my experience and work has come from my own motivation and searching with my agency providing very little work and guidance. they did however connect we with agencies in new york that had expressed interests.

i dont know if it was because the trip was shortly after finals, or the pressure of going to new york for the first time ever, or even spending that much time with my agent, but i had the most horrific acne breakout. of the agents i met, a few saw past the hideous condition and said they wanted to hear back from me.

being tired of michigan and not happy with my choice in school, i packed my bags and left for new york - knowing i had a lot of work cut out for me.

now, some 6 months later, after finding out more and more about the industry and learning that i had to start over from scratch professionally - no one in new york had respect for non-ny photogs unless they were mega-successful - in which case they would still be working in new york from time to time.

i have undoubtedbly made advances and met some influencial people both in modeling and other entertainment industries, the question still rings in my head: "how much is too much, and how much is not enough?"

people have said it wont happen over night, and i believe them. it takes being here and meeting people and so on and on. so is it a test? very few models are the ones you read about where they were walking their dog and all of a sudden they are on the cover of mags. most started out doing what i am doing - working odd jobs and chasing a dream.

and for clarity modeling has never been MY DREAM, but a side project. My dream is and always will be drawing and art and comic books. modeling is a goal that came along and i am not one to half-ass a challenge. but being in the city has helped me remember my love for the arts.

i don't want to go back to michigan, but i want to go back to school. i'm working and making progress in my goal of becoming a bartender which would help financially since there is plenty of money in the field out here. my mom has said shes not going to help me with school out here so that is yet another obstacle. i'm not giving up on modeling but my main priority now is getting financially stable. sometimes i feel like i am so far behind but then people remark on how young i am and how i have plenty of time to work things out. i feel like i wasted 4 years of my life at a school that did little for me and now I have to make up for it. i'm perfectly willing to start all over again as a freshmen if it means i will get that much more of an education.

diet buster

it all starts at Mary's Dairy located on w4th street in greenwich village.

every now and then i have to pop in and have my way with my greatest weakness. create your own deserts.

i start off with a Brownie so rich it sticks to its paper doily. roughly 4 inches in diameter.
second is a chocolate chip cookie placed on top. this cookie is slightly bigger than the brownie creating a mushroom of sugary delight. its soft baked so multiply the butter by 3.
then mushroom is then heated.
i usualy go for vanilla and fudge on top but the belgian chocolate with pistachio chunks was to hard to pass.
the parlor was more than generous with his scoop of icecream - the biggest single scoop i have everreceived at Mary's. This thing had to be the size of a baseball. which is then placed atop the molten heep of glucose.
5 minutes later after eating this thing i usually buy a liter of water and down it right there.

and repeat a month later. next time i will get pictures!

awakening

find_your_way_home.dishwalla.american_pie_soundtrack

it would appear to be a cheesally timed coincidence - it being january 1st and all - but i have been thinking for some time now about how my love of art is returning, although i am just now declaring it to the masses. The masses being all those who actually read this thing.

I am nearly complete with my comic which I started some 18 months ago or so. Right now progress is delayed because Tony is home for the holiday's and Pratt security has been pretty strict since the school is technically closed. This is problematic because I have recently been sneaking in and hanging out on in the empty classrooms which have ample space for spreading out and getting work done. This is necessary because there is no room in my apartment for an art table - which is why a role out light boxed drafting board is apart of the loft design. The loft project is roughly 40% complete since we are almost done building Tony's bed. note: i proposed we build his bed first so we could correct any errors by the time we got to me.....

I want to fininsh my comic so I can get my grades back up to ease the transfer process to an art school here in new york.
A few post back I mentioned how I was bouncing back and forth between a few - although I intend to apply to them all, my heart is set on SVA. Phil Jimenez is one of my favorite artist and once I read he was an instructor there that sealed the deal.

Maybe its just the wake of a sentimental shockwave, but it seems more and more people from my past are coming out of no where. Facebook as reunited me with people going back to pre-school and people i havent talked to all year are randoming ringing me.

last night at work Eamon told me i really need to work on "letting things go...."

I don't believe in making resolutions at the new year just for the sake of doing it, but rather you should make resolutions whenever you feel something needs to change and work just as diligently to uphold them.

my last resolution was to get back into art and finish my comic.

i'm going to work on letting things go.

welcome 2007.

water

so the plumber, Hamilton, is here and apparently fixing the water pressure and temperature problem. i'm exhausted after hanging out with brooklyn (good) liz and lauren. they both came to the half king where i was working - training to tend bar with Eamon - and sat and had dinner. i made lauren a mexican cider (tequila|cuarenta y tres|hot cider) followed by a apple martini (vodka|apple liquor|countreu) and a dirty martini (vodka|olive juice) for liz.

after work i made myself what would be 1 of 3 gimlets.
we sat around and then went to off the wagon - which is the equivalent of scorekeepers in ann arbor, which i hate - and hung out there for awhile. lauren gave some sketchy dude her number as an experiment to which he called at 5am - no more experiments for lauren.

us vs steve bass

Tony and I got used to our tempermental shower. See, every time we wanted to shower we had to play this game of "radio dial" with the faucet knobs. If not, the shower would fluctuate between antarctic chill and heated hell temperatures intermittently.

we talked to Gary, unofficial super, who explained that's just how the water is in this building. same deal in his apartment.

we dealt with it.

two weeks ago, our toilet stopped flushing - or rather, would not refill. I called Gary who subsequently called Steve Bass' manhattan voicemail, the college professor landlord who lives out in Indiana - far away from the concerns of St. James Place. Gary also emailed Stece. No response. Gary called again. no response. After 3 days of having to manually refill the toilet with a bucket that was, until this situation, inexplicably sitting next to the toilet since we moved it from the previous tenant, Eric, I decided it was time to get in touch with Steve directly. I phoned Gary who responded with Steve's Indiana phone number on my voicemail which I received at 2am in the morning after leaving work. I called the following morning. I left a message explaining my concern with or dysfunctional toilet and his lack of response and asked that he return my call asap. Two days after not hearing back, I called and explained how I would get a plummer to repair it and deduct it from rent.

I received a phone call from Steve directly the next morning.
Mr. Bass agreed to $75 at the most since "the job shouldn't cost more than $50 for any unlicensed plummer." Steve was shocked at why wer were the only ones voicing plumbing problems since he "just had the pipes replaced for the building."

You remember the shower ordeal? well it decided it didnt want to produce hot water for 3 days I was waiting to hear back from Steve. Need I even mention the leak in the kitchen sink or how the pipes wrattle when you have the valve open at certain positions? Even with the cold shut off and the hot on full blast, we still only got "alaskan breeze" temperature.

Steve was again baffled since we were "the only one's having problems ....and it should be a building wide problem."

I talked to Steve on Tuesday, November 28th with the conversation ending with him saying he would get a plumber to "perform an analysis" since an "analysis of the problem was necessary."

It's now December 1st - Rent Due day. No response, no chance in the irregularity of our water and of course no delay from the monthly hand written reminder of how to make our checks payable to Steve Bass and where to return the checks in an envelope with no cash to the vacant Steve Bass apartment downstairs.

to be continued...

now

the last few months have been busy but stabilizing.

i have my apartment. we are about to start building our lofts and putting our place together. getting ideas for where we want to live when the lease is up.

I have been learning to bartend from the head bartender at the half king. work is steady and at this rate i will be able to start saving money hopefully by new years.

once more, with feeling!!!

so it's my second night in my new apartment in brooklyn with my roommate Tony and his girlfriend, Molly. It's still early but things are going pretty well. I've been working my ass off lately and it feels good to cut the check for rent and have a place to call my own to which i enjoy returning. I learned much from my previous situation.
The place is located in Clinton Hill directly across from Pratt. It's a three floor brownstore with more living space and a larger bathroom in a great artsy neighborhood.

it will be nice when we have it fully furnised. It's not Cornelia, but it sure is nice to have a place that I can call home.

unstoppable combination
smoldering timber
scented air
so long to friendship
that could have been
and a collaboration
that never was

what a son wants

today, randomly my mom called me and we talked.

long story short she expressed how proud she was of my successes in modeling. she has started a scrapbook - i never would have thought she would have done that. plus, she has been spreading the world of what's been going on with me with our family and friends - my mom is the type of person who gets you a xmas gift of something she heard you say in passing 6 months prior. she's pretty ontop of her stuff. - that conversation, combined with some opportunities that have presented themselves lately - i feel like i have all the support i need to blast off.

Basically, if you aren't beside me - your best course of action at this point is to step aside of my path.

a quarter the king i used to be and HALF THE KING I NEED

"Could you come in tomorrow for a trial run?" the soft, yet authoritative voice said over the phone."Great, seeya at five. I'm Sinead"

The phone call came abruptly. Interrupting a deep ponder as I sat on the khaki suede couch in Mark's apartment. To what did I just obligate myself? A bus boy? Sure I have done bussing - I just didn't consider it so. Working with Premier, the party staffing company, I didn't realized the skills I had amassed over the last couple months. Dan R. is the one who hooked me up with the job through his friend Jesse.

I took the job without hesitation. I met Axel and Reuben who schooled me on everything bussing and running food. Axel gave me a lowdown on the table layout and in no time i was passing food and cleaning tables. My excitement comes from the fact that this job has such a warm family like atmosphere. People genuinely enjoy each other and the days pass. Plus, I wan to learn how to bar tend. The Half King offers plenty of room for me to build to that position. I realize it's my second day, but I feel like I am going to like it there.

After work I checked my messages: one from Joseph De Acetis (JD) for lunch plans next week, the other Vinny from Premiere. It's always nice when I get calls from Vinny or Marc - I need the work to keep coming in. A new job, a new roommate, a new place in brooklyn, new modeling gigs to follow up on. After 4 hectic months, I feel like things may begin to settle.

The ^Half KING - cast of characters:
the oligarchs
Sinead - the GM aka where the buck stops
Adina
Amy

The Host(esses)
Sarah
Kendrick - the other black dude
Ebony - the newbie

Servers
Michelle - a spunking brit
Annaline - the cute punk rockker girl
Nick D. - hardcore band dude
Keith
Demora - formerly known as JamieLynn
Cat - the sweetheart
Laura
Shannon

Bussers/Runners
Reuben - The Runner
Axel - The Busser
Adam

The KitStaff
Greg - the Cheif
Pedro - first cheifs assitant
Reyes - the right hand to the cheifs assitant
Fernando - the delivery master

brotherhood is dead

it's all come full circle. i remember as a freshmen i would read emails on the fraternity email list of disgruntled seniors or recent alumni. I can't count how many times i told myself i wouldn't let that happen to me. i would be different. knowing in the back of my mind those same brothers were probably once just as enthusiasic about the fraternity as i was when they were fresh iniates.

over the year, brother's who happened to be friends by association developed into friends who just happened to be my frat brothers. our friendship was not solely defined by our pledge but was just reinforced. the eternal bond just added another layer.

as the years progressed i slowly started seing myself turn into those same brothers i told myself i would never become. but living in the real world and just growing out of the scene, i realized that the fraternity was no longer the center of my universe.

still, trying to prove a point, i stuck with the idiom of the fraternity - almost blindly.

no longer do i blanket my frat brothers as friends. over the years, there are quite a few i don't even like as people - which was not the case for the guys who came before me. we sacrificed something in the quest to become a top house. you can't both have and eat the cake - so maybe that is the other lesson in life the fraternity has taught. there is always give and take.

i do no deny that the fraternity had a profound impact on my life - and i wouldn't trade the experiences for the world.

at the same time, it's time - just as i removed my ear piercings - i stop waving the banner on high, let the letters drop, and move on.

i'll just take the friends and the memories with me.

amici...

busy day [developing]

I exit 630 Fifth Avenue aka Rockefeller Center bluffly excusing people to either side of my path. haulted at w54th by easterly traffic, i took a moment to check my blackberry. 11:58am. The adrenaline rushing through my body was enough to suffuse my body in sweat, however not enough to allow me to ignore the acute pain emanating from my right heel begged me to stop. No go!. "I will not be late, I will not be late!" was my inner mantra as I negotiated stopping to adjust my sock, thinking it would at least spare the third layer of exposed flesh.
12:00pm. I dash through the doors that also access my former employer's offices to the doorman, hungrily signing in. After a short exchange, the doorman and I come to the agreement I am at the wrong entrance. FUCK! I rush around the block, through the myriad of teenage girls, there moms, grandmas,....and a couple guys salivating over the anf shirtless greeter. I survive the airport-strict security check to make it to the Playboy Magazine floor.
I was greeted by the receptionist that I have offerend names and received "hold please" for transfer so many times it pratically equated to a full conversation. 12:06pm. I took my seek in the main lobby and waited for Joseph to emerge. The new issue of Playboy Magazine jumped from the table and grabbed my attention reminiscent of grandma's cheek grab. I eyed it for a second. Contemplated interaction. Doooooit, dooooooit, dooooooooo--
"Hehey, Warner!!", Joseph's voice from the corridor adjacent to the receptionist booth. "Hoooowaareeyouu?!"
We walked around the corner and immediately sat down and surveyed NOBU's menu.
The conversation over sushi gravitated around career goals and aspirations with a occasional insert of background information.

[future installments to come]
the call from chantelle
peter brown, photographer
last minute change of plans, courtesy of Vinny

for now, i leave you with a quote:

"You don't talk with your mouth full. I'm impressed. You don't how many people - businessmen, my age - yap at me with a full mouth. It's shows your mother raised you well!"

. Joseph De Acetis, Fashion Director of Playboy Magazine, at lunch

ramblings before bed

well, i painted the apartmet with tony yesterday. we are supposed to sign the lease sometime tomorrow. he was supposed to call me to help finish painting but i donno what happened with that.

i will be moving into my apartment very slowly since i will be transferring everything by train. which means i will be taking a load at a time.

a passport is necessary for the flight attendant job, so i have to make sure i have it in time.

last night i hung out with giggles, zloto, henok, and putterman - a close friend of mike tomsky, and unbeknownst to me, roommates with a high schoolmate, chad. small world. It was good times as we hung out at this bar on e13 & university pl - approciately named "Bar 13".

May gave me steve kyritz and brad spiegle's numbers. Brad called me back and we are supposed to be meeting up to catch up after the holiday. They are phi psi alums that i got to know because they visited a few times, mostly when I was a freshmen.

i'm hoping i can find the drawing of the caduceus i drew for my mom's necklace. she now wants matching earring and the jeweler needs me to adjust the drawing. If i can't find the hardcopy, which is somewhere, i will just have to redraw it.

i was going to write about something in particular but it has slipped my mind.

I'll leave you with this, a question i posed to a buddy of mine - Dave:

often times in life, you have to make sacrifices -give offerings to acquire what you desire.

I keep asking myself: "how much is too much and how much is not enough?"

jeezus, i need a job.