delusion|determination

over.jimmy_eat_world.stay_on_my_side_tonight

they come and go, but i would be a liar if i pretended i never had my doubts about modeling. when i was younger, and chubby, i used to dread shirts versus skins games in sports. i was the kid who wore a tshirt in the pool. so when i lost weight and had a body i never thought possible - i kinda flaunted it. not in a "i'm better than you" kinda way, but yet, a "i did this and I thought I never could."

after loosing weight i entered a casting call for seventeen magazine just because a few people i knew were doing it, too. So, Jenna Felzcak, William Watkins, someone who I am forgetting, and myself all went to the casting. Will and I were selected, making us 2 of the 30 or so guys selected out of the 500 that dropped by. seventeen also took 30 girls.

during make-up for the shoot i talked with the stylist and she suggested i drop my photos off at some agencies. it being michigan i didnt think there was much of a market let alone did i have the slightest on where to begin.

long story short i sent some photos to a small agency in ferndale. there, i had some photos done and began building a portfolio. to date, most of my experience and work has come from my own motivation and searching with my agency providing very little work and guidance. they did however connect we with agencies in new york that had expressed interests.

i dont know if it was because the trip was shortly after finals, or the pressure of going to new york for the first time ever, or even spending that much time with my agent, but i had the most horrific acne breakout. of the agents i met, a few saw past the hideous condition and said they wanted to hear back from me.

being tired of michigan and not happy with my choice in school, i packed my bags and left for new york - knowing i had a lot of work cut out for me.

now, some 6 months later, after finding out more and more about the industry and learning that i had to start over from scratch professionally - no one in new york had respect for non-ny photogs unless they were mega-successful - in which case they would still be working in new york from time to time.

i have undoubtedbly made advances and met some influencial people both in modeling and other entertainment industries, the question still rings in my head: "how much is too much, and how much is not enough?"

people have said it wont happen over night, and i believe them. it takes being here and meeting people and so on and on. so is it a test? very few models are the ones you read about where they were walking their dog and all of a sudden they are on the cover of mags. most started out doing what i am doing - working odd jobs and chasing a dream.

and for clarity modeling has never been MY DREAM, but a side project. My dream is and always will be drawing and art and comic books. modeling is a goal that came along and i am not one to half-ass a challenge. but being in the city has helped me remember my love for the arts.

i don't want to go back to michigan, but i want to go back to school. i'm working and making progress in my goal of becoming a bartender which would help financially since there is plenty of money in the field out here. my mom has said shes not going to help me with school out here so that is yet another obstacle. i'm not giving up on modeling but my main priority now is getting financially stable. sometimes i feel like i am so far behind but then people remark on how young i am and how i have plenty of time to work things out. i feel like i wasted 4 years of my life at a school that did little for me and now I have to make up for it. i'm perfectly willing to start all over again as a freshmen if it means i will get that much more of an education.