SELF-DESTRUCT:¿Deactivated?

I can't remember if I blogged about it or not and I don't feel like searching.

The least 3 half years have been rough. I moved several times, lost and gained friends, and lost some more. I've spent ungodly amounts on food and shelter. The list goes on...

Overall, I have been victorious in my crusade of independence and self-awareness but it has not come without battle scars.

I was smoking and drinking heavily for a great portion of time. I was reaching 2 packs of nat sherman's a day up until a few months ago when I noticed my teeth looked a little tented and stopped buying smokes. This only resulted in me upping the alcohol consumption to compensate.

I thought, instead of joining my compatriots for a drag on those nights out on the town, i would just order another round and sip by my lonesome. Bad Idea.

You see, college and even high school were not the best breading grounds for building a healthy relationship with drugs. Go ahead and say it: what the hell was I doing partying hard in high school? Well, I did - let's move on.

I spent the better part of 2007 drinking everyday. I'm not talking a shot of whiskey in my coffee to jump start my day - I don't drink coffee - i'm talking pints of vodka---multiple pints of vodka. There were spurts when I was polishing off fifths in a night. Or hundred+ dollar tabs at bars that I barely remember - and believe me, it wasnt because i was buying the bar rounds!

Speaking of nights i can't remember, it was mostly because I was black out. There have been more than one occasion when I have awoken in my bed fully dressed, dry-mouthed, and missing credit cards, cell phones, and recollection of how I got home - If i even woke up at home. It was getting out of hand. I finally hit my low point in November.

I took two weeks off of drinking completely and reassessed my priorities. After a few days i was thinking clearer and feeling better. I thought: problem solved.

Then came the staff parties, and holiday parties, and new year parties. Same dance, different song.

Pretty much, there isn't a "one drink and that's it" clause with me. I don't know what that makes me. What I do know....today, Sinead, my general manager and Greg, the half king chief, sat me down and told me how concerned they were. Especially when it comes to how I interact with my fellow employees. It wasn't about my performance as a Bartender, besides the occasion snappiness with a customer, my performance was "stellar" they said. It was the drinking, and coming to work hung over, and conflicts with fellow staffers. It was the fact that I didn't remember what I did the night prior and that I was blacking out a couple times a week. They were coming to me as concerned people, not as my Boss and Boss. They said take a couple weeks to figure things out and they would help me in any way they could. All I had to do was tell them how. I believe them. I've said it before, The Half King is more than just any job, it really is a family there. I've worked places where they would have just fired me, but they didn't. I mean a two week suspension sucks, but at least I got a weeks pay, and they are willing to help anyway that they can as long as I am addressing the issue.

AA? possibly. Therapy? Possibly. Do I think I'm an alcoholic? no, but borderline. Or even functional. Why am I writing this? Because I hope to look back on this in a couple weeks and see that I saw I needed to make a change in my life in a constructive way and I did.

Love in Brooklyn