I have been here in Manhattan going on three months now and I am still struggling to get my barrings. To say this has been a learning experience would be a grave understatement. I have had a mix of great times and hard times. I gave up many comforts of living at home under the suport of my mom to "live the dream" out here in The Big City. Good and Bad, I can honestly say I would not trade my experiences here for the world. No matter how rough things get they could always be much worse and I am thankful for what I have achieved so far. I see now I became to comfortable with my living situation and didn't work as much as I should have. I now see why everyone else I talked to had two or three jobs and how naive I was to think I only needed one. Because of my negligence, I am hitting a bit of a rough spot but nothing I can't recover from in time. People continue to say "if you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere."
There are many difference's in this city than back in Michigan. This is not a city for waiting around or being hesitant. There are over 8 million people in an island no longer than 24 miles and if you aren't careful, you get walked on. I look back and see that there are some drawbacks to being in such a sheltered culture as Michigan. Going to private school and such a nurturing college, I realized I grew accustomed to being instructed what to do and essentially having someone hold my hand - no such thing here. You have to learn on your own, and fast. There are no sidelines, no time-outs - it's get in, get to work, keep working, or get out. I heard the adage "time is money" among many others but never appreciated them until now. There is much that can be done and never really a dull moment. I thought I was multi-tasking at the University of Michigan, but that was childsplay in comparison. I was told when I first got here "you can't rely on anyone but yourself." Harsh right? Well, I see more and more each day how true it is. Now, don't go and get offended. I interpret the state as meaning you can't rely on assistance from others - if you get it that's great, but don't expect it, and damn sure don't wait for it. You could be waiting forever (see the seventh sentence in this paragraph). For an outsider slowly assimilating, I can see the vast potential that resides in this city and it is true a place to make your aspirations come to life - but you have to work for it.
I have been self evaluating lately. I see who I am now, who I am becoming and I wonder if this is the true me that has been lying dormant for years, or the result of my experiences and environment. Have I changed? Or has the change in environment allowd my true colors to show through? Am I adjusting or breaking out of my shell? Is it all in my head? Does it even matter?
I see how much I am pulling from my past, how I am relying on old tricks while learning new ones - is this essentially what all the education was about? Learning to apply and respond? It wasn't about knowing transitive properties or logic? But to observe and react.
I was raised to conduct myself a certain way and to see the world through specifics eyes. Now, I am learning to reject teachings in response to new experiences. Incorportating new knowledge and replacing the obsolete and and inaccurate. Condensing all the knowlege and teachings I have obtained over the years and ringing out what works now, and making room for a slough of new stimulus. As much as I want to, as much as I was raised to - I can't do it all on my own. Bringing me into direct conflict with not relying on anyone else. The irony that is life. Is this what our parents' tried to shield us from for so long? The truth about life - "Shit happens, deal with it." It is much easier to explain fiction than reality. Our parents' are humans, too - driven by their own motivations and quest to correct what they see as mistakes. What happens when they raise you to be an individual but your growing independence conflicts with what they want for you? How uncondition is unconditional love? Is it sad I am 22 and don't feel I fully understand love. Or is it worse that I think I do but am to afraid of it's power? Can you be friends with your mother or father? Is it wrong not to be? Are there really different types of love? If yes, are any better or more love than others? Have all forms of love been defined?
The earrings - three in my left ear - have been removed and the holes allowed to close. I have opened my eyes and realized their purpose for rebelling against my mom (i had them pierced when I was eighteen because that was the earliest I was allowed to have the procedure) is no longer existent. It's old. I got over it.
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