the reflexive property

subtitled:who you are now is the price you pay to be who you wanted then.

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to get out of michigan. I can go much further into the psychology over time, but in as condensed a version as possible, I wanted out. First it was art, which started when I was around six. I couldn't get away at that point, so I started to imagine myself in different places. I would get lost in these worlds I would create with cut outs from magazines and comics, playing forever with my "paper toys." I even would construct them in school, sometimes "acquiring" constuction paper and those brass fasteners things from elementary school. I eventually got tired of just the paper toys and would draw characters. Intrigued by the X-Men and their admirable fight to protect a world that fears and hates them. Being a minority, you could see how I related to this theme.

"just finish"
"it's a UofM degree"
"it's in-state tuition"
"finish here and go to another school afterward"
that's what I kept hearing.
what the fuck? - is what i am thinking. what about me? Let's be honest, in the art industry people couldn't give a rat's ass what your alma mater is if you don't have the skills. Coming into a portfolio review for marvel or dc - "oh, you graduated from the UofM! we'll bypass your lack of perspective and limited color usage" is not going to be the culminating remark. "you're art sucks but you went to a great school. Here, draw my backgrounds!" - nope.

Who was I doing it for? Why didn't I transfer freshmen year like I wanted to? Why? Why was I not drawing everyday like I used to before college? Why was I so fucking unhappy? Why did I not have the drive to go to class?

UofM's art school does not offer perspective, color theory, or anatomy classes - all essential to a career in illustration. Even if I wanted to return, the classes are all full and there is no work for me. I would still have t find a place to live and a way to afford to live there. Transportation? Here in NY, $76 isn't cheap, but it grants 31 days of full access to all bus and train lines runing in the city. I don't have to worry about gas, car insurance, a CAR, etc. I just have to keep up with my flemsy card. With that being fact, returning to Michigan would definitely put modeling on hold - i had already had to pass up castings and auditions because of lack of transportation, and I could only barrow friends cars for so long. Here, I just need to make sure I get to the auditions on time. I could walk to them if I had to.

It wasn't what I wanted. I feel like I have lived my entire life trying to appease other people. Thinking how my actions effected others. IMAGE. I do admit, however, leaving as abruptly as I did was not the wisest decision. I take full responsibility for not exploring all my resources. Had I done so, I would have known I could take courses at another acredited institution and have them transfer back to UofM. I thought I had to transfer completely to another school if I wanted to enroll into courses. That changed everything.

Now, I am trying to register for online courses at WCC so that I may remain eligible. I would continue debating taking courses here in NY and applying them to my UofM degree or just transfer completely to SVA, Pratt, The New School, or FIT. I'm leaning more towards the latter.

Starting a life in a new location isn't easy. Especially when you are accostumed to a way of living. I have been called many things, "spoiled", most often. People seem to not realize that unless you are apart of a dynasty, pitted to inherit a fortune - children don't have anything - it's all under their parents' name. I don't inherit a company. I will have to work to get back to the life I want. The world doesn't owe me anything - but I sure would like to collect on pain and suffering.


abstract
"All I want is the best for you" seems more like "All I want is what I feel is what's best for you."

why not, "All I want is to support what you think is what's best for you" or " I think this is what's best for your, but I trust that you know what's best for yourself"

Does anyone ever really know what's best for another person? Does anyone ever really know anything for certain?

There are seldom winners in the hyperbole game!

google:"I don't want your life" poem - and study the frequency and context in which it appears in comtemporary situations

Your Birth Month is May

Unique and creative, you seek your own path in life. You love change and are able to adapt to any situation. Your soul reflects: Sweetness, joy, and a complete life. Your gemstone: Emerald Your flower: Lily of the Valley Your colors: Yellow, red, and green

What Does Your Birth Month Mean?

Taurus You are very stubborn, and your withdrawn nature makes you irresistible to hotties. You like sex to be romantic and passionate, and you know just how to make it that way. Your partners cannot resist your spontaneous and gentle nature. Sex matches: Cancer, Virgo, Capricorn Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com

You are charming. You are very bright, and able to completely express yourself verbally. You have a lot of charisma and people are naturally attracted to you. 'What is your seduction style?' at QuizUniverse.com

Your Aura is Violet

Idealistic and thoughtful, you have the mind and ideas to change the world. And you have the charisma of a great leader, even if you don't always use it! The purpose of your life: saying truths that other people dare not say Famous purples include: Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., Susan B. Anthony Careers for you to try: Political Activist, Inventor, Life Coach

What Color Is Your Aura?

Your Seduction Style: The Coquette

You are a pro at playing the age old game of hard to get. Your flirting style runs hot and cold, giving just enough to keep them chasing you. Independent and self-sufficient, you don't need any one person to make you complete. And that independence is exactly what makes people pursue you.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

which xmen character are you

StormYou are strong and determined, people look to you for leadership, yet you struggle with your fears
Take this quiz!

Videos That Move Me Series (VTME.S)

explanation to come

The Semi-Fabulous Life of a Cater-Waiter (developing)

the crew, the multi-million dollar parties, the celebs, the food, the trips to locations, the people.

get ready for this one....

work....yes, catering has been a very educating experience for me. let's start from the beginning....

job..1, the quark xpress launch party in soho. this event was jam packed with b.gates-esque type of people. the uniform of white tailored shirt with long black tie and black pants made me feel like i was back in sunday school. the people were busy doing their thing and didn't pay us much attention. I got my first dose of how bitchy chef's can be as the lady relentless cut into waiters as they asked the names of the unrecognizable dishes she prepared. I talked enough about this job in an earlier post, so i will move on.

job..2, marc, the owner of the company, threw a lavish 40th birthday party for himself. this soiree included 16' tall ballerinas, a dj in drag, limitless alcohol and food, all hosted in an otherwise "unrentable" location - a museum in chelsea. Welcome to New York.

job..3, stsrr tech threw a "office warming" party of sorts for their move to their new location with a desirable park ave addy. a collection of some of the stuffiest people i have met this far. you could read: "i hate my life for following what my parents told me what i should study in college but at least the pay is great and i can sit here and hurl grey goose down my throat all night and an hour into clean-up so i don't have to go home and face reality- which sucks" over at least 25
he people who worked there. If it weren't for the great staff of people i was working with I don't think i would have made it through the night. not to mention this is an office with appropriately sized, note long - unendeding even, corridors packed with 400 people. My mom always told me when you are working you work, that is what helped me keep sane - this is work.

job..4, Allen's dinner
so Mr. Rosenfield is a pretty remarkable person. He is the retiring dean at columbia for the public health school. his accomplishments are too much to try and go into here, it would be insulting, but to put it in perspective, richard gier was in attendance and sen. hilary clinton sent a personal video message honoring this man. not to mention this event hosted easily appoximately a thou-load of people and a wait staff over nearly 200. he's kinda a big deal.

job..5, pre-prom party at the miller's
i drove for the first time in the city as i carpooled four of us over to roslyn, ny for this private party. the kids were tolerable and i ran into a guy who recognized me from uofm. the full tux deal was kinda irritating but our portion of the event was over and we headed out. we missed the tip since we were dismissed early.

job..6, congrats to the seahawks
a happy mother decided to through a bbq dinner to celebrate the state championship winning season of her son's lacrosse team. the benji tip she gave each of us pales in comparison to the hummer, rolls royce, 600 merc, two bentlys, and modest yukon sitting in the driveway, freshly washed by hand on location by a team of 8 workers. fierce!
it sucks i got a parking ticket the second time i drove in the city. which pretty much still eats my tip even after arguing it down. Welcome to New York!
job..7, under the good night skies
the tony awards at rockefeller center. i greeted cyntha nixon, neil patrick harris and their respective entourages and according to the staff from the catering, some of the biggest names in broadway - i am ignorant to bway so they all escaped me. the night passed quickly and i went home. i got to bed at 5am, just to see the sky beginning to brighten for the new day.


the people i have worked with so far have been every interesting and have been very welcoming and eager to share their stories.

FlIP-Flop Flux

Recently, my mind has been changing with the wind. Long story short, I am staying in New York and will be looking to enroll into college here. I have been looking at apartments in Brooklyn and will be rooming with a buddy of mine Tony. I met Tony several seasons back, or as I like to call it - The Summer of Liza. This is the same summer that birthed the infamous "gas station" picture.

Tony found a nice four bedroom duplex apartment a couple blocks from Pratt Institute. He will be taking care of most of the arrangements from here on out while I head back for another visit to Michigan.
From my last post, you can see I had all intentions of moving back to michigan to complete my BFA degree. The actual chain of events goes as follows:

I was going back to move my stuff out of storage in my frat and then head back to New York. Then, while there, I thought it was best to just stay and finish my degree. So, I started making arrangements to move my stuff back to Michigan. I have a love/hate with my state of birth (more on that to come). While I was there, all the motivation, the passion, that I was regaining from the energy here in New York started to fade. Immediately, I found myself falling back into those same routines, that same unhappiness. Sure, there are some comfort with familiarity, but after spending 3 months here, I kept thinking "can I come back here? If only for 8 months?"
After talking to my counselor in the school of art & design, it was clear my dean was going to want me to stay for two years - that, my friends, was out of the question. The school of art & design at the university of michigan has a NEW CURRICULUM. In this new curriculum, which was misrepresented to me when I was a high school senior - which resulted in me pulling my applications and rejectiong offers from other art schools (most in NY), dosen't offer color theory, perspective, or a host of other courses essential to a person like myself, interested in illustration. Why was I there?

I came back, looking to take classes here. Why not? I can continue school AND modeling. Getting back into school isn't as easy as I thought, but I have faith things will work out.

There is more opportunity for me here than anywhere else.
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To WIMC, Thanks For Everything. Signed - Warner Washington

When I was deciding on the url for my blog I debated if my selection was a foreshadowing. Here I am now, back in Michigan for what I planned to be just a wrap up visit...Grab my stuff out of the temporary storage at the frat and hit up a few appointments.

A few weeks ago, while I was doing laundry and Liz and I were both using the wireless at Mark's, we had a conversation -or debate- that (at least) changed me. "You can't just run away from your problems, Warner. Look at it, they are just following you here. You had problems back in Michigan,and you have problems here - so what's the difference." For a little background, Liz was my roommate, but before that, we were just two college kids in love with a dream. A tough eldest only girl of 4 whose stricking similarities to one of my best friends, Lauren, made me prematurely think of us as friends. I assumed she would gradually come to understand my humor and personality like Rupper, my other best friend, and Lauren have. I thought I could joke with her the way I joked with them - that was not the case. Which leads to another point.

Liz was the first person to point out how spacey I would get - literally I zone out and stare blankly at walls while my mind wonders through the pocket-universe to which I am the axis. When in the company of others it takes me a moment to register when people are talking to me, resulting in me missing the beginning of sentences and having to try and catch up or ask the person to repeat. This drove her crazy, "It's just rude. It's like you don't even care." And on multiple occasions, "you're so selfish, Warner. I have never met someone who spaces out that often, that long."
At first I thought it was just her, she just dosen't get me. But as I thought about it more, I had a revelation: maybe it is me....
But why did this feel like it was so foreign? Why didn't anyone else ever bring this to my attention? Again, I thought back to my besties, Rupper and Lauren. Had they come to similar conclusions and just learned to love me regardless? Had spending so much time with them numbed them to my selfishness? Was that just warner?!.

I will not deny the overwhelming support and trust Liz offered me - which I subsequently destroyed. She believed in me and continued to help me. She hooked me up with not one, but two other great photographers; arguably, the tear from her direction in the shei mag is what started getting me editorial work here in michigan, it was her connection that got us the apartment on the upper west side.

And certainly not least, there's Mark. When I desperately wanted out of Michigan and had no money and no place to go, Mark opened his door and let me in. Food and shelter provided in the uber-desirable Greenwich Village neighborhood, I spent my first few weeks just floating and what I thought was adjusting to my new life. I vocalized my appreciation on a regular basis, but didn't demonstrate in action. Looking back, as it was brought to my attention, it was like summer vacation at Camp Cornelia. I spent most of my time in the apartment enjoying air-conditioning and a constantly stocked fridge from weekly Fresh Direct™ deliveries, while I waited for work. Yeah, I went out and got a job - but everyone else trying to make it in the industry had 3 or 4. Sure I was meeting with agents and making great connections - but I wasn't taking full advantage and working my hardest. I am accustomed to working hard, to busting my ass to get what I want. But, sub-consciously I was relaxing from that. I was unwittingly resting on my laurels, disguising it and fooling myself into thinking and believing I was "adjusting".

So, that's the story behind my three months in the big apple - behind the photoshoots and the glamous celebrity bejeweled parties, the expensive dinners and more frequent expensive lunches, the bar hopping, the friend visiting, I really didn't work as hard as I should or could have. I am not the only star in existence. The gravitational force of my supernova is not just isolated to my universe, but ripple throughout the galaxy affecting those other surrounding universes. I am not the only one left with brusies in the wake of Camp Cornelia. For three months, a war of wills was waged between the wisdom of my mother and the unchecked rage and anger of myself. Liz and Mark, like the Achaians and Trojans, have to deal with the ramifications of my deflected spear and the debris from my mother's bolder while I retreat to Mount Olympus.

Now, back in Michigan, I will complete my degree as I should have and head back to New York after graduation. I can't just pack one life in boxes and throw it in a room for storage and try and start another. I told people before how I had a problem with completetion - reading books, my drawings, my comics and stories, and it was extending into college and my relationship with my family. This year isn't going to be easy, I love New York and that is where I need to be - but I have to finish business here in Michigan before I can successfully move on. Besides that, I still have growing to do. I am not as independent as I thought, and not nearly as much as I need to be in live in New York. I was not close - not in the vicinity - of being financially stable to support myself in the city. I came back to Michigan with a new outlook on life, and what my priorities are. I am not mature enough to step out of my mom's support, I still missed some aspects of college, and I missed my friends, too much. Not only that, even in this small market, there are still resources in modeling I haven't explored - there is still more to my craft I need to perfect.

I don't regret my choice to New York and "drop out" of school. Nor do I see my time in New York as a failure. It was an unparalleled experience in Life. It was a dose of THE REAL WORLD. If you had the choice, step out on your own to prove a point, run into debt with no clear way out, destroy credit that took close to a decade to establish or to finish college with no debt, a trust, and a diploma - which would you choose?

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The Great DeFraG

This is my third attempt at blogging. I started on another blogger and that just fizzled. I started posting on another site for awhile but that limits comments to members only. So, now I am trying blogspot to allow people to comment without theh hassle of creating accounts.

I have been here in Manhattan going on three months now and I am still struggling to get my barrings. To say this has been a learning experience would be a grave understatement. I have had a mix of great times and hard times. I gave up many comforts of living at home under the suport of my mom to "live the dream" out here in The Big City. Good and Bad, I can honestly say I would not trade my experiences here for the world. No matter how rough things get they could always be much worse and I am thankful for what I have achieved so far. I see now I became to comfortable with my living situation and didn't work as much as I should have. I now see why everyone else I talked to had two or three jobs and how naive I was to think I only needed one. Because of my negligence, I am hitting a bit of a rough spot but nothing I can't recover from in time. People continue to say "if you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere."

There are many difference's in this city than back in Michigan. This is not a city for waiting around or being hesitant. There are over 8 million people in an island no longer than 24 miles and if you aren't careful, you get walked on. I look back and see that there are some drawbacks to being in such a sheltered culture as Michigan. Going to private school and such a nurturing college, I realized I grew accustomed to being instructed what to do and essentially having someone hold my hand - no such thing here. You have to learn on your own, and fast. There are no sidelines, no time-outs - it's get in, get to work, keep working, or get out. I heard the adage "time is money" among many others but never appreciated them until now. There is much that can be done and never really a dull moment. I thought I was multi-tasking at the University of Michigan, but that was childsplay in comparison. I was told when I first got here "you can't rely on anyone but yourself." Harsh right? Well, I see more and more each day how true it is. Now, don't go and get offended. I interpret the state as meaning you can't rely on assistance from others - if you get it that's great, but don't expect it, and damn sure don't wait for it. You could be waiting forever (see the seventh sentence in this paragraph). For an outsider slowly assimilating, I can see the vast potential that resides in this city and it is true a place to make your aspirations come to life - but you have to work for it.

I have been self evaluating lately. I see who I am now, who I am becoming and I wonder if this is the true me that has been lying dormant for years, or the result of my experiences and environment. Have I changed? Or has the change in environment allowd my true colors to show through? Am I adjusting or breaking out of my shell? Is it all in my head? Does it even matter?

I see how much I am pulling from my past, how I am relying on old tricks while learning new ones - is this essentially what all the education was about? Learning to apply and respond? It wasn't about knowing transitive properties or logic? But to observe and react.

I was raised to conduct myself a certain way and to see the world through specifics eyes. Now, I am learning to reject teachings in response to new experiences. Incorportating new knowledge and replacing the obsolete and and inaccurate. Condensing all the knowlege and teachings I have obtained over the years and ringing out what works now, and making room for a slough of new stimulus. As much as I want to, as much as I was raised to - I can't do it all on my own. Bringing me into direct conflict with not relying on anyone else. The irony that is life. Is this what our parents' tried to shield us from for so long? The truth about life - "Shit happens, deal with it." It is much easier to explain fiction than reality. Our parents' are humans, too - driven by their own motivations and quest to correct what they see as mistakes. What happens when they raise you to be an individual but your growing independence conflicts with what they want for you? How uncondition is unconditional love? Is it sad I am 22 and don't feel I fully understand love. Or is it worse that I think I do but am to afraid of it's power? Can you be friends with your mother or father? Is it wrong not to be? Are there really different types of love? If yes, are any better or more love than others? Have all forms of love been defined?

The earrings - three in my left ear - have been removed and the holes allowed to close. I have opened my eyes and realized their purpose for rebelling against my mom (i had them pierced when I was eighteen because that was the earliest I was allowed to have the procedure) is no longer existent. It's old. I got over it.

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