13 February 2007

alone with my thoughts

i had a conversation with a former model yesterday at work.

he confirmed many of my reservations about modeling (the drugs, the sex, the roles, the opportunities and what people do to make it) and particularly the place of black models within the industry.

basically, there is no place for blacks in the industry.

look at the ads you see in magazines? pick one arbitrarily and count the black models.

better yet, go to models.com and count the number of black (male or female) models in the top 50.

models.com isn't the definitive pulse of the modeling industry - but it's interesting to note that it is reportedly owned by two black men and a black women.

i lost 5 pounds in 6 days to get in shape for fashion week - the agent i spoke with told me to call afterwards.

i'm tired of warping my life to fit others needs: just being around the industry and fashion week after parties and seeing what people do behind the scenes was enough.

i'm not placing blame: i chose to play the game. I am happy to be back in good shape because i wasn't happen with how i was looking - but i would have never worked out that much in my life to tone up that quickly in any other condition. which brought me to the realization that i was loosing myself again. i left michigan to find myself and to find out what i was really capable of on my own. Now that i see how i was flirting with the same oppression that drove me away: i am saying "enough."

i am not saying i hate the industry or that i don't ever want to model again - but i am saying i am playing by my own rules from here on out. if an agent or client were to request anything i am even partially hesitant to accomodate - then that is a deal breaker.

i am no where near where i want to be as an artist and it's time i stop dreaming and talking about changing that and DOING IT.

Priorities: my life, my art, my family and friends, and whatever comes of modeling.

it may seem a little drastic since this is coming from one person's opinion and lack of witnessing his experiences - but i will not ignore how they make sense and agree with my experiences so far.