the reflexive property

subtitled:who you are now is the price you pay to be who you wanted then.

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to get out of michigan. I can go much further into the psychology over time, but in as condensed a version as possible, I wanted out. First it was art, which started when I was around six. I couldn't get away at that point, so I started to imagine myself in different places. I would get lost in these worlds I would create with cut outs from magazines and comics, playing forever with my "paper toys." I even would construct them in school, sometimes "acquiring" constuction paper and those brass fasteners things from elementary school. I eventually got tired of just the paper toys and would draw characters. Intrigued by the X-Men and their admirable fight to protect a world that fears and hates them. Being a minority, you could see how I related to this theme.

"just finish"
"it's a UofM degree"
"it's in-state tuition"
"finish here and go to another school afterward"
that's what I kept hearing.
what the fuck? - is what i am thinking. what about me? Let's be honest, in the art industry people couldn't give a rat's ass what your alma mater is if you don't have the skills. Coming into a portfolio review for marvel or dc - "oh, you graduated from the UofM! we'll bypass your lack of perspective and limited color usage" is not going to be the culminating remark. "you're art sucks but you went to a great school. Here, draw my backgrounds!" - nope.

Who was I doing it for? Why didn't I transfer freshmen year like I wanted to? Why? Why was I not drawing everyday like I used to before college? Why was I so fucking unhappy? Why did I not have the drive to go to class?

UofM's art school does not offer perspective, color theory, or anatomy classes - all essential to a career in illustration. Even if I wanted to return, the classes are all full and there is no work for me. I would still have t find a place to live and a way to afford to live there. Transportation? Here in NY, $76 isn't cheap, but it grants 31 days of full access to all bus and train lines runing in the city. I don't have to worry about gas, car insurance, a CAR, etc. I just have to keep up with my flemsy card. With that being fact, returning to Michigan would definitely put modeling on hold - i had already had to pass up castings and auditions because of lack of transportation, and I could only barrow friends cars for so long. Here, I just need to make sure I get to the auditions on time. I could walk to them if I had to.

It wasn't what I wanted. I feel like I have lived my entire life trying to appease other people. Thinking how my actions effected others. IMAGE. I do admit, however, leaving as abruptly as I did was not the wisest decision. I take full responsibility for not exploring all my resources. Had I done so, I would have known I could take courses at another acredited institution and have them transfer back to UofM. I thought I had to transfer completely to another school if I wanted to enroll into courses. That changed everything.

Now, I am trying to register for online courses at WCC so that I may remain eligible. I would continue debating taking courses here in NY and applying them to my UofM degree or just transfer completely to SVA, Pratt, The New School, or FIT. I'm leaning more towards the latter.

Starting a life in a new location isn't easy. Especially when you are accostumed to a way of living. I have been called many things, "spoiled", most often. People seem to not realize that unless you are apart of a dynasty, pitted to inherit a fortune - children don't have anything - it's all under their parents' name. I don't inherit a company. I will have to work to get back to the life I want. The world doesn't owe me anything - but I sure would like to collect on pain and suffering.


abstract
"All I want is the best for you" seems more like "All I want is what I feel is what's best for you."

why not, "All I want is to support what you think is what's best for you" or " I think this is what's best for your, but I trust that you know what's best for yourself"

Does anyone ever really know what's best for another person? Does anyone ever really know anything for certain?

There are seldom winners in the hyperbole game!

google:"I don't want your life" poem - and study the frequency and context in which it appears in comtemporary situations

Your Birth Month is May

Unique and creative, you seek your own path in life. You love change and are able to adapt to any situation. Your soul reflects: Sweetness, joy, and a complete life. Your gemstone: Emerald Your flower: Lily of the Valley Your colors: Yellow, red, and green

What Does Your Birth Month Mean?

Taurus You are very stubborn, and your withdrawn nature makes you irresistible to hotties. You like sex to be romantic and passionate, and you know just how to make it that way. Your partners cannot resist your spontaneous and gentle nature. Sex matches: Cancer, Virgo, Capricorn Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com

You are charming. You are very bright, and able to completely express yourself verbally. You have a lot of charisma and people are naturally attracted to you. 'What is your seduction style?' at QuizUniverse.com

Your Aura is Violet

Idealistic and thoughtful, you have the mind and ideas to change the world. And you have the charisma of a great leader, even if you don't always use it! The purpose of your life: saying truths that other people dare not say Famous purples include: Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., Susan B. Anthony Careers for you to try: Political Activist, Inventor, Life Coach

What Color Is Your Aura?

Your Seduction Style: The Coquette

You are a pro at playing the age old game of hard to get. Your flirting style runs hot and cold, giving just enough to keep them chasing you. Independent and self-sufficient, you don't need any one person to make you complete. And that independence is exactly what makes people pursue you.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

which xmen character are you

StormYou are strong and determined, people look to you for leadership, yet you struggle with your fears
Take this quiz!

Videos That Move Me Series (VTME.S)

explanation to come

The Semi-Fabulous Life of a Cater-Waiter (developing)

the crew, the multi-million dollar parties, the celebs, the food, the trips to locations, the people.

get ready for this one....

work....yes, catering has been a very educating experience for me. let's start from the beginning....

job..1, the quark xpress launch party in soho. this event was jam packed with b.gates-esque type of people. the uniform of white tailored shirt with long black tie and black pants made me feel like i was back in sunday school. the people were busy doing their thing and didn't pay us much attention. I got my first dose of how bitchy chef's can be as the lady relentless cut into waiters as they asked the names of the unrecognizable dishes she prepared. I talked enough about this job in an earlier post, so i will move on.

job..2, marc, the owner of the company, threw a lavish 40th birthday party for himself. this soiree included 16' tall ballerinas, a dj in drag, limitless alcohol and food, all hosted in an otherwise "unrentable" location - a museum in chelsea. Welcome to New York.

job..3, stsrr tech threw a "office warming" party of sorts for their move to their new location with a desirable park ave addy. a collection of some of the stuffiest people i have met this far. you could read: "i hate my life for following what my parents told me what i should study in college but at least the pay is great and i can sit here and hurl grey goose down my throat all night and an hour into clean-up so i don't have to go home and face reality- which sucks" over at least 25
he people who worked there. If it weren't for the great staff of people i was working with I don't think i would have made it through the night. not to mention this is an office with appropriately sized, note long - unendeding even, corridors packed with 400 people. My mom always told me when you are working you work, that is what helped me keep sane - this is work.

job..4, Allen's dinner
so Mr. Rosenfield is a pretty remarkable person. He is the retiring dean at columbia for the public health school. his accomplishments are too much to try and go into here, it would be insulting, but to put it in perspective, richard gier was in attendance and sen. hilary clinton sent a personal video message honoring this man. not to mention this event hosted easily appoximately a thou-load of people and a wait staff over nearly 200. he's kinda a big deal.

job..5, pre-prom party at the miller's
i drove for the first time in the city as i carpooled four of us over to roslyn, ny for this private party. the kids were tolerable and i ran into a guy who recognized me from uofm. the full tux deal was kinda irritating but our portion of the event was over and we headed out. we missed the tip since we were dismissed early.

job..6, congrats to the seahawks
a happy mother decided to through a bbq dinner to celebrate the state championship winning season of her son's lacrosse team. the benji tip she gave each of us pales in comparison to the hummer, rolls royce, 600 merc, two bentlys, and modest yukon sitting in the driveway, freshly washed by hand on location by a team of 8 workers. fierce!
it sucks i got a parking ticket the second time i drove in the city. which pretty much still eats my tip even after arguing it down. Welcome to New York!
job..7, under the good night skies
the tony awards at rockefeller center. i greeted cyntha nixon, neil patrick harris and their respective entourages and according to the staff from the catering, some of the biggest names in broadway - i am ignorant to bway so they all escaped me. the night passed quickly and i went home. i got to bed at 5am, just to see the sky beginning to brighten for the new day.


the people i have worked with so far have been every interesting and have been very welcoming and eager to share their stories.

FlIP-Flop Flux

Recently, my mind has been changing with the wind. Long story short, I am staying in New York and will be looking to enroll into college here. I have been looking at apartments in Brooklyn and will be rooming with a buddy of mine Tony. I met Tony several seasons back, or as I like to call it - The Summer of Liza. This is the same summer that birthed the infamous "gas station" picture.

Tony found a nice four bedroom duplex apartment a couple blocks from Pratt Institute. He will be taking care of most of the arrangements from here on out while I head back for another visit to Michigan.
From my last post, you can see I had all intentions of moving back to michigan to complete my BFA degree. The actual chain of events goes as follows:

I was going back to move my stuff out of storage in my frat and then head back to New York. Then, while there, I thought it was best to just stay and finish my degree. So, I started making arrangements to move my stuff back to Michigan. I have a love/hate with my state of birth (more on that to come). While I was there, all the motivation, the passion, that I was regaining from the energy here in New York started to fade. Immediately, I found myself falling back into those same routines, that same unhappiness. Sure, there are some comfort with familiarity, but after spending 3 months here, I kept thinking "can I come back here? If only for 8 months?"
After talking to my counselor in the school of art & design, it was clear my dean was going to want me to stay for two years - that, my friends, was out of the question. The school of art & design at the university of michigan has a NEW CURRICULUM. In this new curriculum, which was misrepresented to me when I was a high school senior - which resulted in me pulling my applications and rejectiong offers from other art schools (most in NY), dosen't offer color theory, perspective, or a host of other courses essential to a person like myself, interested in illustration. Why was I there?

I came back, looking to take classes here. Why not? I can continue school AND modeling. Getting back into school isn't as easy as I thought, but I have faith things will work out.

There is more opportunity for me here than anywhere else.
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